Flow Control
Flow control tags relate to conditional statements, and looping constructs. The most common use of a flow control tag is a <dpIf> statement. Using <dpIf> you can perform tests within your template to decide how you want your page to render. For example, testing the character count of a story to decide how to present the images, ads, suggested links, or even if you want to split the story into multiple pages.
<dpIf>
D E F I N I T I O N:
Conditional tests allow you to make comparisons within your templates. For example, you can calculate how many characters are in a story, and provide a special layout for each circumstance.
Simple Condition Syntax
<dpIf (comparison statement)>
action
</dpIf>
Complete Condition Syntax
<dpIf (comparison statement)>
action
<dpElseIf (comparison statement)>
action
<dpElse>
action
</dpIf>
C O M P A R I S O N O P E R A T O R S:
| = | equal |
| != | not equal |
| in | is in set |
| not | not in set |
| gt | greater than |
| lt | less than |
E X A M P L E S:
The following can be read as "If the section for this story is music, then display the message You're in the music section":
<dpIf <dpSection>="music">
You're in the music section
</dpIf>
The following can be read as "If the section for this story is music, then display the message You're in the music section, else (otherwise) display You're not in the music section":
<dpIf <dpSection>="music">
You're in the music section
<dpElse>
You're not in the music section
</dpIf>
The following can be read as "If the section for this story is music, then display the message 'You're in the music section', else if the section for this story is film, then display the message 'You're in the film section', else (otherwise) display 'You're not in the music or film section' ."
<dpIf <dpSection>="music">
You're in the music section
<dpElseIf <dpSection>="film">
You're in the film section
<dpElse>
You're not in the music or film section
</dpIf>
The following can be read as "If you're not in the film section, display the message Go to the film section":
<dpIf <dpSection> != "film">
Go to the film section.
</dpIf>
<dpLoop>
D E F I N I T I O N:
Looping is most commonly used to step through a story, headline or other display tag by paragraph or font. However you can use it for whatever you want.
<dpLoop var="variable" from="#" to="#" step="#|-#">
Instructions to repeat.
</dpLoop>
A T T R I B U T E S:
E X A M P L E S:
<dpLoop var="i" from="1" to="10">
<dpVar i>
</dpLoop>
would create: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
<dpLoop var="i" from="2" to="10" step=2>
<dpVar i>
</dpLoop>
would create: 2 4 6 8 10
<dpLoop var="x" from="1" to="<dpImageCount>">
<dpImage number="<dpVar x>">
</dpLoop>
would list all of the images in the story
<dpLoop var="x" from="1" to="<dpLength unit="p"><dpStory></dpLength>">
Paragraph #<dpVar x><p>
<dpStory start="resume" length="<dpVar x>p"><p>
</dpLoop>
would loop through the story one paragraph at a time from the first paragraph to the last paragraph. It would display the paragraph number followed by the paragraph itself.
Random Case
Well, it's not exactly random, but it achieves the same visual effect. The following example loops through a story seven characters at a time, displaying them in assorted case. The primary intention of this example is to demonstrate some of the design possibilities possible by processing a story on a character by character level using length and resume.
T A G C O D E:
<dpVar charCount="<dpLength unit="c"><dpStory></dpLength>">
<dpLoop var="i" from="0" to="<dpVar charCount>" step="7">
<dpStory start="resume" length="1c" style="lower">
<dpStory start="resume" length="1c" style="upper">
<dpStory start="resume" length="1c" style="lower">
<dpStory start="resume" length="1c" style="lower">
<dpStory start="resume" length="1c">
<dpStory start="resume" length="1c">
<dpStory start="resume" length="1c" style="upper">
</dpLoop>
E F F E C T:
iN foURTeEn-HUNdRed-aNd-nineTy-two, CoLumbuS sAiled ThE oceaN bLue...oR so we'vE been LeD to beLiEve. ANd When hE rAn out Of Ocean BlUe he bUmPed up AgAinst ThE beacH sOmewhErE in thE wEst InDiEs.
CoLuMbus, An Eye-tAlIan, wAs RunniNg A smalLiSh scoUtIng exPeDitioN fOr the SpAniarDs, whosE qUeen hE'D talkEd Into fRoNting HiM threE rUnty sHiPs for ThE purpOsE of fiNdIng a sHoRtcut To India, wHere tHeY had lOtS of siLk And teA aNd spiCeS the fOlKs bacK oN the IBeRian PEnInsulA hAd a haNkEring FoR. wheN tHe shiP hIt the SaNd out In The CaRiBbean 506 yearS aGo, ChRiS declArEd he'D fOund INdIa and NaMed thE rUddy-CoMplecTeD surfErS who gReEted hIs Boats "iNdianS."
he waS wRong eVeRy way ImAginaBlE.
so tO aPpropRiAtely HoNor CoLuMbus' BlUnder, wE here In AmeriCa (nameD fOr anoThEr itaLiAn, AmErIgo VeSpUcci, WhO also PuT in ceRtAin clAiMs for DiScoveRiNg majOr Parts Of The neW wOrld) MaNufacTuRed a cReAtion-mYth thAt Holds SaCred tHe NotioN--taugHt Like a GrImm's FaIry taLe To eveRy KindeRgArtneR--that ChRistoPhEr colUmBus diScOvereD aMericA iN 1492. nEver mInD that He BeachEd On a smAlL islaNd SouthEaSt of CUbA and nEvEr camE nEar thE nOrth AMeRican MaInlanD; Never MiNd thaT hE thouGhT he waS iN indiA; Never MiNd thaT lEif ErIkSen haD bEen heRe CentuRiEs earLiEr; neVeR mind AlL mannEr Of incOnTroveRtIble fAcT: colUmBus diScOvereD aMericA.
How coMeS it, tHeN, thaT iN 1988 ThE voteRs Of ariZoNa, thE lAst of ThE contIgUous 48 tO attaIn StateHoOd, paSsEd a coNsTitutIoNal amEnDment MaKing ENgLish tHe OfficIaL langUaGe, anD rEquirInG that AlL statE bUsineSs Be conDuCted iN eNglisH aNd engLiSh onlY?
Why noT iTaliaN, Since We've prOpAgateD tHe notIoN that An ItaliAn DiscoVeRed thIs Place? oR how aBoUt spaNiSh, CaStIlliaN-Style, oF courSe, sincE tHey puT uP the cAsH for tHe VoyagE oF discOvEry? BUt If you ReAlly tHiNk the FiRst whItE man tO pLant hIs Flag oUgHt to gEt Dibs oN tHe lanGuAge thInG, why NoT norwEgIan?
THeN agaiN, Hows aBoUt indIaN? oh mY gOodneSs Yes: pAsS the cHuTney. Or Do you MeAn red InDian? Or Do you SpEak wiTh ForkeD tOngue?
tHe poiNt Is, thAt Half tHe LanguAgEs on tHe PlaneT hAve leGiTimatE cLaims To CurreNcY in AmErIca's HiStory, iTs preSeNt and ItS futuRe. the FReNch owNeD most Of This pLaCe for A tIme; tHe Dutch HaD a pieCe Of the AcTion, AlOng wiTh PortuGuEse, AFrIcans, mExicaNs, a whoLe Array Of DiffeReNt triBaL peopLeS from AlEuts tO aThabaScAns to InCas, MAyAns, AZtEcs...yOur boYs Named SiOux, yOuR algoNqUins, ApAches...and tHeN therE wEre RuSsIans, ChInese, cAnadiAnS.
if tHeRe's oNe Thing An AmeriCaN is, iT'S a monGrEl. AnD iF therE'S
one tHiNg the
De Facto NaTive tOnGue of ThIs natIoN is, iT'S amerIcAn, noT tHe
queEn's engLiSh, thOuGh its LiNguisTiC lineAgE is moRe Or lesS
dEscenDeD from ThE writTeN langUaGe of tHe BritiSh Isles.
aMericAn Is a poLyGlot pAtOis thAt BorroWs HeaviLy--one MiGht saY sTeals UnConscIoNably--From eVeRy othEr LanguAgE on thE pLanet, aNd conSeQuentLy Is the MoSt ricH aNd widElY variEd And exPrEssivE hUman tOnGue exTaNt. We'vE got a VoCabulArY seveRaL timeS gReateR tHan thE rOmancE lAnguaGeS, let AlOne thE tRibal ToNgues Of The seCoNd- anD tHird-WoRlds, AnD oldeR lAnguaGeS are oNlY now bEgInninG tO broaDeN theiR tHesauRi By borRoWing bAcK pidgEn-amerIcAn terMs We've AlReady RiPped oFf From tHeM.
ameRiCan laNgUage iS a Bawdy, bRawliNg SteroId-monsTeR of a gRoWing cHiLd thaT dRaws iTs Very vIgOr froM iTs proXiMity tO tHat stOrIed meLtIng poT oF otheR cUlturEs And laNgUages--All of WhIch coMe Here aNd Give.
So I ask aGaIn: WhAt's up wItH the ENgLish-OnLy thiNg? most Of Us couLdN't spEaK real EnGlish If We wanTeD to. I ReNted THe Full MOnTy for JoNes anD hIs wifE uP in FlAgStaff A cOuple WeEks agO, And MrS. Jones DiDn't eNjOy it aT aLl. ShE cOuld oNlY make OuT abouT oNe worD iN threE. They wErE speaKiNg worKiNg-clAsS englIsH. try A sImilaR eThnic FlIck, sUbTitleD iN, say, sOuthsIdE chicAgO dialEcT, and YoUr audIeNce in ShEffieLd, englAnD, wouLd Be simIlArly aT sEa.
BuT aSide fRoM the iNhErent InAccurAcY in caLlIng ArIzOna's RaCist lItTle biT oF initIaTive aNd ReferEnDum EnGlIsh-oNlY vs. AMeRican-oNly, tHeRe's tHaT wholE dEal wiTh The U.S. ConstItUtion AnD the FIrSt ameNdMent tHeReto. NoWhere In The foUnDing dOcUmentS oF this NaTion'S gOvernMeNt is tHeRe any ReFerenCe To an oFfIcial LaNguagE. Nor coUlDa, shOuLda, wOuLda beEn.
the fIrSt freEdOm the FrAmers ObServeD iN the BIlL of RiGhTs was ThE freeDoM of spEeCh, anD tHerefOr, of thE pRess, AnD by loGiCal exTeNsion, oF reliGiOn, faItH, of aSsEmbly. iT takeS nO more SoPhistIcAted lEgAl schOlAr thaN yOur tyPiCal 5-YeAr-olD tO recoGnIze thAt If govErNment DeClareS eNglisH tO be thE oNly laWfUl and OfFiciaL lAnguaGe Of our SoCiety, aNd thuS tHat goVeRnmenT bUsineSs CannoT bE tranSaCted iN sPanisH, LatviAn, urdu Or Latin, tHen thE fIrst AMeNdmenT iS meanInGless To AmeriCaNs who HaPpen tO sPeak oNe Of thoSe InsteAd Of engLiSh.
I sAiD as muCh A decaDe Ago, aNd PrediCtEd a shOrT life FoR the ENgLish-OnLy ameNdMent. As Is so oFtEn the CaSe, noT oNly waS i Right, i Was waY aHead oF mY time.
iT took 10 Years FoR the ARiZona SUpReme COuRt to iSsUe a quItE simpLe, quitE cOmmonSeNsicaL oPinioN aGainsT tHe conStItutiOnAlity Of The EnGlIsh-oNlY law. AnD at thAt, the oPiNion wAs AnnouNcEd a yeAr After ThE retiReMent oF tHe jusTiCe who WrOte thE mAjoriTy OpiniOn.
and nOw The caSe Must cErTainlY gO to thE u.s. SuPrEme CoUrT, whiCh Has a rEcEnt hiStOry of CoWardiCe In facInG such OuTwardLy SimplE aNd uncOnTroveRsIal caSeS.
hey! wE know AmEricaN eNglisH iS for aLl PractIcAl purPoSes thE lAnguaGe Of u.S. gOvernMeNt, coMmErce aNd Daily LiFe: We DoN't neEd Some xEnOphobIc, raciSt Law on ThE bookS tO make It OfficIaL, and To Force NoN-engLiSh speAkErs fuRtHer ouTsIde thE mAinstReAm.
DoWn Here iN sOutheRn ArizoNa, wherE mUch of ThE locaL cOmmerCe Still GoEs on iN bOrder SpAnish, tHe rulInG grinGo Class LiKes to LoOk dowN iTs patRiCian nOsE at thOsE ignoRaNt, laZy MexicAnS whosE eNglisH iSn't uP tO harvArD stanDaRds. NEvEr minD tHat moSt Of theSe White BoYs can't PronoUnCe "taMaLes" oR uNdersTaNd wheN tHe waiTrEss smIlEs and CaLls thEm "cabrOnEs."
IT'S kind Of Like FReD astaIrE and GInGer RoGeRs--FReD beinG tHe whiTe Boy anD gInger ThE mexiCaN. fed To The tiTs With hEaRing AStAire lIoNized FoR his tErPsichOrEan skIlLs, GiNgEr oncE rEmarkEd, archLy, "honEy, i did EvEry daNcE step FrEd eveR dId...BaCkwarDs, and iN hIgh heElS."
CoMpRende?
Horizontal Paragraphs
A fun example that demonstrates using loop and length to achieve a desired effect.
T A G C O D E:
<table border=0 cellpadding=10 cellspacing=0>
<tr>
<dpVar paraCount="<dpLength unit="p"><dpStory></dpLength>">
<dpLoop var="i" from="0" to="<dpVar paraCount>">
<td valign=middle align=left width=250>
<dpStory start="resume" length="1p"><br>
<img src="../images/spacer.gif" width=250 height=1 alt=""><br>
</td>
</dpLoop>
</tr>
</table>
E F F E C T:
|
TUBA CITY--UP until now I never gave a thought to how this
place came to be called what we call it. The first time I came
through here must have been 25 years ago, and it sounded appropriately
colorful and colloquial and Stephen Vincent Benet. You know, "...Tombstone
and Tucson and Mexican Hat." So I concentrated on finding
a gas station and a Coke machine and thought ahead to Flagstaff.
|
Today I've got time to kill, so I'm parked outside a McDonald's
eating an Egg McMuffin and realizing for the first time that there
must have been a tuba in Tuba City's past.
|
What the Navajos called the place before the white men brought
their musical instruments and their language to the rez I have
no idea. This place might not even have been a place, as far as
the aborigines were concerned. Maybe Tuba City is only here because
of white capitalism.
|
There's an ancient trading post here. And where white capitalism
went, the army and the Indian Bureau followed, to protect the
dollar and eventually, fruitlessly, to missionize the heathen.
|
The town's core clearly is G.I.
|
Stone buildings of the Victorian period and style testify to
mid-19th-century failure to impose WASPish civilization and sensibility
on desert semi-nomads. The rock houses and offices of early government
settlement stand empty and idle today. Today they still are the
best real estate in town and yet the wind and not much else blows
through them, an ironic commentary on wasted time and dubious
intentions. A continuing waste of resource. Down the street toward
the highway that crosses the rez, a jumble of trailers sits behind
a billboard that proclaims, "All People Housing."
|
Populism comes at a price and part of that is living in recycled
beer cans.
|
Across the road from All People Housing, three-quarter-ton pickups
with gooseneck trailers are parked on a sandlot, peddling alfalfa
hay for $7 a bale. As a man whose personal hay requirements approach
two tons per annum, I'm interested both in the quality and price
of the product. It looks to be good, third-cutting hay, 100-plus
pounds to the bale, and cheaper than I can usually buy it in Patagonia
or Sonoita. I pull up alongside a Navajo sitting in the back of
a stock trailer and ask where it's from.
|
"St. George," he says. He knows I know that he doesn't
need to explain that there's not much in the way of commercial
hay production on the reservation. A tourist from New Jersey could
tell you as much. Navajo rugs and blankets aren't the only reason
the rez is sheep country. Arid doesn't begin to describe the climate
and terrain. Anyway, they import horse hay from Utah, and according
to my Native American informant, the Mormon farmers from St. George
exact a considerable tariff on agricultural products crossing
the border onto the rez.
|
By now I have a far deeper appreciation of Tuba City than the
previous quarter-century had given me. A little curiosity and
a single question can earn a man a lot out here.
|
Back on Highway 160 I picture the road ahead: Monument Valley
and the left-hander at Teec Nos Pos, Four Corners and Cortez,
Colorado, and then how far and how long to Hotchkiss beyond? Then
it dawns on me that it doesn't matter. I remember the last time
I drove this road; two years ago, heading west, from the same
house in Hotchkiss that is my destination today. That time my
destination was today's point of origination. Morse to Jones then:
Jones to Morse now. Then, I stopped for gas and Gatorade at Kayenta
in the middle of a monsoon. Then I was on my motorcycle, soaked
to the hide, burnt to a frito from wind and intermittent sun,
aching like a stubbed toe and wishing my ride were over. I asked
a young Navajo man coming out of the Circle K if he could tell
me how far it was to Flagstaff.
|
"Yes," he said. "Maybe about 110 miles. Maybe
300." He struck off walking in that direction. If it was
information enough for him, on foot, it surely was sufficient
unto my needs, with a hundred horsepower under my ass.
|
I was going to wind up at Jones' house in Flagstaff before I
shut it down for the day: I was going to get cold leftovers, a
hot bath and a pallet on the floor no matter what hour I arrived.
These issues had been decided by or for me before I embarked,
perhaps before I was born. So what I sought from the Indian shuffling
down the side of the highway was superfluous information. It didn't
matter whether Flagstaff was 110 miles and an hour away, or 300
miles and 15 hours distant. He understood that; what was my problem?
|
"You'll be there when you get there," I told myself,
and turned off the radio. I thought of Chuck Bowden, the gawky
guy I went to high school with, who became an amateur newspaper
reporter and then a famous professional writer of trenchant social
commentary in glossy national magazines. Not to mention books.
I asked Chuck one time what he found so attractive about the ground
between Yuma and Gila Bend.
|
"There's less to see there," he said. Deliberately
Papago-sounding, I thought at the time.
|
Well I wanted to see and hear less too. Less FM radio and air-conditioning
and the interior of a Dakota pickup, so I shut off the tunes and
the air and opened the windows and gawked around at the sandstone
and sagebrush and Maynard Dixon clouds in the blue blue sky.
|
Before long this minimalist sensory environment concentrated
itself on the bridge of my nose where the pads of my sunglasses
seemed to me to be restricting my breathing. A stream-of-consciousness
ran through my torpid thought-processes something like this:
|
Pinched nostrils...pince nez...Nez Perce...from where the sun
now stands I will fight no more forever.
|
Fortunately for everyone, not the least of whom would be you,
the reader, the archetypal reservation vignette suddenly appeared
before me.
|
A pickup truck pulled onto the highway a ways up the road. Far
enough that I didn't run up on their bumper, but not so far I
didn't have to brake and slow to follow them. Two young Navajos,
a boy and a girl, teens or early 20s, sat in the back, staring
at me staring back at them. Perfect.
|
I heard some stand-up comic on TV one time say that the hardest
thing in the world was to look cool riding in the back of a pickup.
I laughed then because I'd done my share of riding in the back
of a pickup. I smiled now because these two Navajo kids didn't
seem uncomfortable or uncool in the least.
|
I tailed them for 10 or 15 miles, and it occurred to me that
some of the differences that white boys like me perceive between,
well, white boys like me and Indians like them could be founded
in, found in, these pickup trucks and the contrasting views they
afford of the world around us. Here I sit, hand on the wheel,
foot on the gas, rushing to meet a world that hurries toward me
through the glass of my windshield.
|
And there sit the heirs of the Navajo nation: bare-headed under
the summer sun, whipped by an unceasing wind, their backs to the
momentum of an iron horse that hurls them toward an unseen destination...the
world they know receding into the infinite behind them.
|
I think I better stop and take a leak.
|
By now I have a far deeper appreciation of Tuba City than the
previous quarter-century had given me. A little curiosity and
a single question can earn a man a lot out here.
|
The Wave
The wave demonstrates one way of using <dpLoop>, <dpVar>, length and <dpIf> to achieve about any design effect imaginable.
T A G C O D E:
<dpVar direction="decrement">
<dpVar fontSize="7">
<dpVar charCount="<dpLength unit="c"><dpStory></dpLength>">
<dpLoop var="i" from="0" to="<dpVar charCount>">
<dpIf <dpVar direction>="decrement">
<dpVar fontSize="<dpMath <dpVar fontSize> - 1>">
<dpIf <dpVar fontSize> = 1>
<dpVar direction="increment">
</dpIf>
<dpElse>
<dpVar fontSize="<dpMath <dpVar fontSize> + 1>">
<dpIf <dpVar fontSize> = 6>
<dpVar direction="decrement">
</dpIf>
</dpIf>
<font size="<dpVar fontSize>"><dpStory start="resume" length="1c"></font>
</dpLoop>
E F F E C T:
T
U
B
A
C
I
T
Y
-
-
U
P
u
n
t
i
l
n
o
w
I
n
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r
g
a
v
e
a
t
h
o
u
g
h
t
t
o
h
o
w
t
h
i
s
p
l
a
c
e
c
a
m
e
t
o
b
e
c
a
l
l
e
d
w
h
a
t
w
e
c
a
l
l
i
t
.
T
h
e
f
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r
s
t
t
i
m
e
I
c
a
m
e
t
h
r
o
u
g
h
h
e
r
e
m
u
s
t
h
a
v
e
b
e
e
n
2
5
y
e
a
r
s
a
g
o
,
a
n
d
i
t
s
o
u
n
d
e
d
a
p
p
r
o
p
r
i
a
t
e
l
y
c
o
l
o
r
f
u
l
a
n
d
c
o
l
l
o
q
u
i
a
l
a
n
d
S
t
e
p
h
e
n
V
i
n
c
e
n
t
B
e
n
e
t
.
Y
o
u
k
n
o
w
,
"
.
.
.
T
o
m
b
s
t
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n
e
a
n
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T
u
c
s
o
n
a
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d
M
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x
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c
a
n
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t
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S
o
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a
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o
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f
i
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d
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g
a
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a
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t
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a
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C
o
k
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a
c
h
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a
n
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t
h
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a
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F
l
a
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t
a
f
f
.
T
W
...
Toggling Paragraphs
This example shows how you can use loop to toggle paragraphs left and right to break up the reading a bit.
T A G C O D E:
<center>
<dpVar paraCount="<dpLength unit="p"><dpStory></dpLength>">
<dpVar side="left">
<dpLoop var="i" from="1" to="<dpVar paraCount>">
<table border=0 width=80% cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0>
<tr>
<dpIf <dpVar side>="left">
<td valign=top align=left width=100%><dpStory start="resume" length="1p"></td>
<td valign=top align=left width=150><img src="../images/spacer.gif" width=150 height=1 alt=""></td>
<dpVar side="right">
<dpElse>
<td valign=top align=left width=150><img src="../images/spacer.gif" width=150 height=1 alt=""></td>
<td valign=top align=left width=100%><dpStory start="resume" length="1p"></td>
<dpVar side="left">
</dpIf>
</tr>
</table>
<p>
</dpLoop>
</center>
E F F E C T:
| STOP LOOKING AT ME like I'm stupid -- cuz I'm NOT. Oh, I see how you look at me when you think I'm not looking. You smile and nod at all my ass and monkey jokes, and then, as soon as I turn away? BAM! Your eyes rocket up to the top of your skull and take two swift orbits around your sockets before plummeting back to normal. Then, lips curling into that familiar, all-knowing sneer, you whisper underneath your breath, "Hoooo-boy! Wm. Steven Humphrey sure is stoo-ooh-ooh-PID!" |
| Well, LOOK! I'm not the one who's stupid, it's my TV column that's stupid. If I had MY way, I'd be writing a column about some very intelligent subject... like... oh, I don't know... like art, or politics... you know, stuff like those four-eyed sissies over at Salon write (except I certainly wouldn't name my magazine Salon! HA! What a bunch of Nancys!! HA! HA! HAAAA!). Anyway, if you ever read the other TV columnists in town (and I know for a fact you don't), they are always doing things to make themselves look smart. See, they can be talking about Moesha or Green Acres, and figure out some way to stick in the word "recalcitrant" (which means "refusing to obey") or "ignominious" (which means the same as "ignorant" but spelled differently). But don't be fooled! These people are in fact, very STUPID, and it would be ignominiously recalcitrant of me to state otherwise! |
| SO! In an effort to stop your incessant eye-rolling and palm-sniggering, I've decided to smarten up my column this week by talking about a TV channel which is nothing if not brainy: the Bravo network. In Bravo, we find a channel that is so intelligent, so cultured, it would make any of those poofs over at Salon wet their lacy petticoats. Though touted as "a film and arts network," it wisely stays away from what I like to call "the idiot arts" -- which includes opera, modern dance, and poetry -- and sticks with less snooty subjects, like independent film, interviews, and profiles, as well as the more intelligent variety of TV show (not Moesha or Green Acres). |
| For example, if you are an independent film aficionado (i.e. someone who doesn't mind watching a three-hour movie about water dripping into a bucket), Bravo often spotlights fancy-pants directors such as Kurosawa and Fellini, as well as modern-day hacks Spike Lee and John Waters. Music lovers will appreciate in-depth profiles of David Bowie, Isaac "Hot Buttered Soul" Hayes, and the Blue Note record label (Note to famous jazz artists: getting drunk and "just winging it" is not an acceptable substitute for saxophone lessons). And fans of pompous celebs should really love Inside the Actors Studio, in which laughably untalented actors like Martin Short, Sly Stallone, and Kim Basinger pontificate on the vagaries of the stage in front of an audience of drooling thespians/ future waiters. |
| However! What you should definitely not miss is Louis Theroux's Wild Weekends (in which the son of novelist Paul Theroux travels around interviewing UFO abductees, demolition derby drivers, and porn stars) and reruns of the '80s TV classic Moonlighting, which (believe it or don't) makes one fall in love with Bruce Willis all over again. Waitasecond!! I saw you roll your eyes! Goddammit, I AM NOT STUPID!! |
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